Revisiting Relationships

I wrote a post on relationships around this time last year without any recent examples in mind but two situations have recently cropped up which are polar opposites of one another and I’d like to explore the comparisons. I will add a caveat; many of my difficulties within the dating scene come from a previous relationship that has left me defensive, cynical and distrusting, and quite honestly a pain in the arse to date. I absolutely believe they are the biggest demons when it comes to my ability to date and undoubtedly, they’ll inadvertently contribute to my beliefs about CF and relationships, but I aim to exclusively focus on the chronic illness aspect.

Boy A

For this particular individual, it was a tinder job of course. Only chatting for a few days, same sense of humour, just overall a good vibe that I figured I’d get along well with (I didn’t mention my CF at first because it wasn’t relevant). He asked if I was about going on a date, he gave me a couple of suggestions to which I had to keep replying with “I’ve been unwell so can’t manage too much right now”. And as with anyone, he was curious as to why, so I said I’ve got cystic fibrosis, I’ve been in hospital for a while etc and he gave the whole sympathy speech which I really don’t like because it makes me feel weak and feeble. He replied with the message I’ve added below and tbh I've added the conversation thread because it makes for great entertainment I think.

Now, for the record, I didn’t actually take offence to the principle because everyone’s got a criteria when it comes to a partner and that’s fine, I don’t feel the need to berate him for it, and I actually have a level of respect for his awareness of the qualities he'd want in a partner. However, the way he just dragged out it felt very condescending so apologies for the few digs I’m about to make. I can't help but think he's a little obtuse because despite my saying I’ve been unwell recently, he failed to consider that I would get better and might be able to be just as active as Mr High ‘n’ Mighty, superfit, King of the PTs (although saying that, skiing will always be off the table for me). He THEN had the audacity to say when I’m better, he’d like to meet?? You do not get a “solid character” personality without going through what I’ve been through, and you certainly don’t get the best of me without even giving the worst of me the time of day. It very much reminded me of the quote below.

So, despite my saying "yeah maybe I’ll drop you a message when I’m better", I absolutely will not be doing that because he does not deserve the good parts of me if he can’t handle the bad parts. It took a long time but I’ve finally got to a place where if a guy can’t stomach me and my bad days, it’s a reflection of his character and not my worthiness of being loved. I’m very proud that I’m not personally hurt from it because at age 18 that would’ve sent me into a hole, and I’m pleased it came up when it did because I clearly dodged a big fat bullet there. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy but that conversation would’ve been much harder to swallow in person and hypothetically, I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone for them to realise further down the road that I might not be able to take part in something that is a non-negotiable for him.

And a quick sidenote about the ginger thing; initially when we first matched, we were discussing him being ginger, he said, and I quote, “my experience of the world is that most people regard being ginger as some kind of disability that people shy away from” and then less than 24 hours later, he comes out doing that exact thing with someone with an ACTUAL disability. At the very least, I’m pleased I could give him a slice of a wider perspective. So, if anyone sees a 25-year-old ginger waltzing around Buckingham, give him a wave from me.

BUT with this in mind, I’d like to tell you about someone who had a perspective that couldn’t be further down the spectrum.

Boy B

So, despite not being in great physical health, through the wonders of tinder, I had sorted myself a first date in the hospital because you’ve got to make your own luck in a shit situation, right? I also knew it would go down as an iconic day in both mine and his life and that was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I didn’t bring up the fact that I was admitted until a few days into talking, purely because it wasn’t necessary to the conversations. Inevitably, it was mentioned rather soon, and I tried not to anticipate a response either which way because the spectrum of people coping with information such as this is so varied and unassuming (as boy A has demonstrated). I’m pleased to say that this guy was unsurprisingly a bit taken aback but clearly wasn’t phased. So long story short, he called me and asked what food I’d like because he was going to bring it to the ward, and we could eat in my room and wander around the hospital. And that’s exactly what we did.

Needless to say, the anxiety of my lungs overrode my anxiety of the date itself so I did inform him that I’d be coughing and would have to spit whatever came up from my lungs in case it was blood and if it was, he would have to leave immediately. And he was so unbothered by it, I was astounded, especially given it was the first time we’d met and let’s face it, it’s not a particularly attractive thing when you’re trying to present your best self and I do find it a little embarrassing. Eventually, I had to cough so I turned away from him, apologised and then did my thing. He showed concern, and it was so lovely to not be ridiculed for it (not that many people have done before but it’s always in the back of my mind when I’m with people who don’t see it often).

I quizzed him as to why he’d want to see me in this situation because although I think I completely girlbossed it, I still thought it a little unusual that he’d be willing to see me in such an unattractive state. He went on to say that if he wants to establish a real connection with someone, he thinks he should respect that person at their lowest points too, so yeah, I was blown away.

He continued to visit me on the ward for the remainder of my stay and although it’s not an ideal situation for anyone, I truly believe establishing a connection in spite of conditions and circumstances such as mine, really adds another layer of bond and connection. This guy was extraordinary, and I hope he knows how much I appreciate his being there even if the circumstances of life have drawn us in different directions.

So just to sum up the overarching consensus, I think both of these situations being within two weeks of each other accurately demonstrates the complexity of approaching relationships as someone with additional needs / disabilities. Chronic illness is a difficult thing to hide if it affects various aspects of your being, so very quickly you're losing a sense of privacy and vulnerability that you, given the choice, wouldn't share so soon. So, I've obviously learnt to just roll with it and not be afraid to present it to the world, partially because there's little point in fighting the inevitable and it means I can wheedle out the weaklings early on ;)