The EMDR diaries: intro

Over the last couple of months, I have noticed (alongside family and friends too) that my fuse has been rather short. Once I’m triggered by something, it escalates at an alarming rate and then the world feels like it’s falling apart and I’m lashing out like an injured dog. I’m not proud of this by any stretch but there are some grounds to it. My psychologist and therapist have surmised that I have some form of PTSD from the surgeries themselves (three hours of excruciating ripping into the neck whilst begging the surgeons to stop will do that to a person), the health issues following those and from something that happened in 2021 which I’m not going to share on here because it’s way too personal and was / is a pretty shameful period of my life.

So… PTSD: post-traumatic stress disorder. Usually, the causes of PTSD are widely understood to be near-death experiences, violence, and SA amongst others. There is a breadth of symptoms but the most commonly known are flashbacks, reoccurring memories, bad dreams, panic attacks and being easily startled. But aside from that, PTSD can also be caused by extended periods of stress, helplessness, and fear. And the symptoms lesser known are usually difficulty managing and regulating emotions, agitation, irritability, difficulty with relationships, and detachment.

Since the dust has settled on what happened in 2021, the surgeries back in April, the admission and everything that came with it, these symptoms listed above have been becoming more and more prominent in my life; I’ve been having breakdowns that would give John McEnroe a run for his money. As time has passed, I’ve realised that the effects of these traumatic incidents are unlikely to be remedied without additional help, so I went back to my therapist and together we worked out that just talking about what happened won’t solve the underlying issue due to the nature of PTSD.

PTSD is essentially damage to the brain, specifically the amygdala (controls the stress response), the hippocampus (memory retrieval) and the pre-frontal cortex (logic, reasoning, emotions and impulses). So, in a nutshell, PTSD symptoms and behaviours are not a personal failure, they are biological changes in the brain. For this reason, it isn't as simple as "fixing your attitude".

One of the most effective ways of treating PTSD is EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing). I’ve researched EMDR extensively for my degree, my personal interest and talking to one of my dear friends who has undergone it. However, I am still a little unclear of how it works or what the ultimate goal is, so I’ve stolen some sentences from PTSDUK and EMDRIA (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing international association) to explain it to avoid me completely ballsing it up.

EMDR is a structured therapy that encourages the patient to focus briefly on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories. – EMDRIA

The “Processing” part of EMDR does not mean talking about a traumatic experience. “Processing” means setting up a learning state that will allow experiences that are causing problems to be “digested” and stored appropriately in your brain. That means that what is useful to you from an experience will be learned, and stored with appropriate emotions in your brain, and be able to guide you in positive ways in the future. – PTSDUK

I was twelve years old when I was first thrust into a psychologist’s office so I’ve never been hesitant to talk about my issues, but the idea of this therapy is making me very nervous. For the most part I can block out the actual memory of what happened, but unfortunately because I’m still dragging it around every moment of the day, it’s forcing itself out in alternative, more damaging ways… as Augustus Waters from the Fault in our Stars so eloquently put “pain demands to be felt”. So, the prospect of having to actually “reprocess” these memories by reliving as it were, is a very frightening thing.

But this is the very reason I want to share the journey for anyone else who is facing the same dilemma or is too intimidated to take the first step. I plan to write a brief diary after each session to encapsulate what I’ve done, and what the process is. Another reason why I'm sharing this is an attempt to help my family and friends understand what my brain is going through and why I behave / react the way I do; it's certainly not me avoiding accountability but it should hopefully increase understanding allowing me to feel supported and guide others on how they can help should things escalate, making it easier to manage on both sides.